In which I find a bunch of amazing comments in my AO3 inbox šŸ˜šŸ˜šŸ˜ and now I am hoping I didn’t come across too weird in the effusiveness of my gratitude.

But yeah wow. If anybody ever wants to make an authors day – or hell their month – that’s the way to do it.

On a related note anyone know why AO3 isn’t emailing me comments anymore? It’s still set to do so. I am sad. I mean I nearly didn’t know about these!!! They lay undiscovered like some kind of present ambush, in the best possible sense.

Saw a lot of Ahsoka posts on my dash earlier and had a small ahhhh!! that I had misremembered the air date. But no it’s ok it is still August 23rd.

Anyway I have a lot of fears about this show (and a lot of anticipation) because it’s my beloved Ghost crew.

Honestly though the biggest fear in my mind right now is that Ezra is going to be the masked bad guy. I know he dabbled with the dark side at the start of season three, and it’s a lifelong struggle. I know in Jedi Survivor Cal Kestis faced his own version of that struggle which might lead to more in the next game (I presume there will be a third). So it’s not without precedent and maybe that’s why I don’t want it.

It just feels tired to have Ezra fall to the dark side. Yeah he could find a way back to some kind of life like Reva did. I also know that as Ezra played no part in the sequel, with Luke or Rey, that he has to be written out somehow and that a happy ending probably isn’t on the table. A similar fate no doubt is in store for Cal Kestis to keep him off the board somehow.

I’m not one of those that hate Order 66 survivors because there is still only a handful out of 10,000. It feels a hell of a lot more realistic to go with the idea that a first cut got a lot of them. First strike decimated the masters especially, as they were in the thick of the war, or had younger Jedi to protect. After that it was hunting down the escaped Padawans, or the knights who had been on solo missions etc. They would have never established the Inquisitors if there hadn’t really been any to hunt. Time on the run cleared up almost everyone over the years between Order 66 and A New Hope. So I find it realistic that there were survivors, I like it as a story, but I hate it because they decided that Luke had to be the only Jedi from A New Hope on which puts an unfair expiration date on all the other characters that we care about.

Personally I don’t see why they had to go in that direction. The rebellion was more than one cell. It always was. So yeah there weren’t any other Jedi alongside Luke for the three original trilogy movies. Didn’t mean they weren’t out there – could just have meant they were doing other things. The first Death Star mission got laid on fast, the second they had time so it’s a little more suspect they wouldn’t have called back any other Jedi to help, but then again they didn’t need them. Just people blew up the second Death Star, just people dealt with the ground force. Luke’s mission was more personal than anything and yeah a great distraction and ensured the Emperor ā€˜died’ but that was hardly the main goal.

Anyway I want Ezra to have made friends in Wild Space, connected with more awesome cool creatures. To have a lot of stories to tell his family when they find him, and it can all be warm and loving because they didn’t doubt one another. And he has that solid certainty of a Jedi that he really came to own in season 4, and he protects his family and tells Jacen all about his dad. Just Ezra being grown but still himself and still family.

Maybe it’s a cheat to say ā€œjust because we didn’t see it doesn’t mean it wasn’t always thereā€. But why not? Adding new material is at its core filling in blanks. If some of those blanks include more Jedi being alive for longer then I am ok with that.

I just don’t want to see Ezra all twisted and agonised, and have to witness Hera and Sabine grapple with him being lost, and all the anguish of having to fight their family. Just no. Been there, done that, bored with it. Give me supportive family instead, thank you.

Thoughts on 2.08 (SNW)

Oooof

I am trying to bring order to my thoughts it’s hard. I keep rewriting and deleting. How can StarFleet claim to be so enlightened and evolved and yet be this bad with mental health?

It’s endemic because it’s not just this episode, it’s not SNW, it’s pretty much all Trek. I have no idea whether the writers are intending the really awful way that makes StarFleet look or if they are just that dense about it themselves. The hope and promise of Star Trek just does not apply when mental health is concerned.

Picard was fucking awful for this. I won’t go into that here and now but boy do I have a lot to say.

In terms of StarFleet playing out the issues of the day – yeah totally. It was politically convenient and it got them something they wanted to gloss over that dudes war crimes. I can also totally buy the directive of ā€œplay niceā€. It’s politics and it’s not at all out of character for StarFleet but I hate it.

So I am coming at this from two angles really.

Continue reading

So I need another hobby like I need a hole in my head buuuuuut tomorrow I am getting a digital piano šŸ™ƒ

When I was a kid I had a keyboard. I got rid of it when I was 9 due to family drama. I didn’t give up the idea of learning to play and asked if I could have lessons when I was at high school. Somehow that morphed into clarinet lessons (which mystifies me to this day as how??). I was thoroughly unsuited as an asthmatic as I didn’t have nearly enough puff for a wind instrument. It didn’t last and I haven’t touched a musical instrument in 20 years.

In that 20 years though I have listened to piano arrangements of songs, or listened to songs with a strong piano melody, and imagined playing. Last year when I started visualising living in my own place I thought about getting a piano but decided against it. I mean it really wasn’t the time with all the other expenses and besides I was – am! – going all in with art. I already struggle to balance art and writing and games and Lego and reading etc. Something else is just crazy.

But I have this picture in my head I can’t shake of the peace of playing on the piano, of losing myself in the melody. I reached out to two places in my town for lessons but neither have worked out thus far. It’s possible one will in time but I have a character flaw of impatience and decided I would try and practice on my own in the meantime.

It could all go horribly wrong. I am scared and excited all at once. The keyboard comes with a free few months of FlowKey which is a learning app and I hope that will be good to get me started. I always try to run before I can walk, and throw myself at that brick wall of endless frustration. I have a list of songs I want to learn to play which is probably horribly ambitious. Have to see how it goes.

Thoughts on 2.07 (SNW)

I tried Lower Decks and didn’t vibe with it so 95% of my knowledge of it comes via osmosis on tumblr.

I like that the voice actors were the actors for the live action. That’s really cool and they did a great job. I particularly liked Mariner. She had such a great vibe.

I found the episode quite weird. I didn’t love it but I didn’t hate it how I thought I might. I was genuinely touched for Una. After everything she’s been through that must have been incredible to hear.

So I might not have anything else ready to post for prompt month. I have some pieces in progress but it’s looking doubtful that I will finish them. After the ā€œEzekiel as Ezraā€ drawing I took a break from the art and shifted gears to revision analysis of this novel draft I wrote a couple of years ago.

Ten days later and I have tossed most of it, have a rewritten outline, and I’m ready to write the second draft.

Except I’m not.

For two days now I have procrastinated and avoided and just not started with the writing. This is something of a pattern with me. If I can do things (and often I can’t do anything) but when I can do things, I can do pre-tasks quite well. I can make lists, I can plan, I can be analytical and do prep work. The rewriting of the outline involved a lot of creative thought too, as once I knew what didn’t work I had to come up with something that I hoped would this time. So it’s not like I can’t totally do creative stuff.

I just can’t word.

It somehow makes it real I think which hits me in the subconscious where I am afraid all the time. I am afraid that it will suck again. I am afraid that I will never be able to fix it to my satisfaction. I am afraid that this will all just be wasted effort. I am also afraid that I will be able to write it ok, that I will make it ā€˜done’ at some point because I am afraid of what comes next and I’m not sure I’m ready for that. So yeah equally afraid of failure and success. Probably overwhelmed too for good measure with all the things I am trying to remember about how to write it better this time (technique wise, not just the content points).

I’m not just like this with words, I am like this with everything. Prep work is fine but the actual thing? My mind runs a million miles in the other direction. Like I want to get better at art but I have some fairly comfortable bad habits and it’s easier to just roll with that, rather than actually tackle the hard work and practice to really improve. I don’t have to face how crap I am without the crutches I lean on. Plus if I don’t ever seriously knuckle down and try, then I don’t have to find out whether it’s impossible for me to get to the skill level I would like.

My whole life is like this. The second anything gets real, or feels important, or has consequences, I start to run. I was good at school until the actual qualification years came about. Then I stopped doing my homework when it was set, and started scrambling to do it the night before. I stopped putting in extra effort and started doing the bare minimum. My classmates thought it was funny and strange as if they shifted it was the other way, to doing better now it mattered.

So I don’t entirely know what to do with myself. I am trying to be gentle and listen to my feelings rather than push and beat myself up, and send myself into a depression spiral (like normal). As that isn’t a behaviour pattern which serves me. It’s one I have practiced and reinforced for over two decades though so hard habit to break. Plus, intellectually knowing something and actually feeling it are two different things. I am annoyed with myself and I wish I could do better, I wish I could be the person I want and not self-sabotage like this. I hate it.

Thoughts on 2.05 (SNW)

I’m not sure I can actually sit through this.

It started and immediately I went ā€œoh noā€ as it was leaning on by far the weakest part of SNW. And also given Spock’s engagement I find the not quite platonic thing with Chapel uncomfortable. T’pring deserves more respect than that.

Got to the part where Spock said ā€œwhat the fuckā€ and same dude same.

I’m now at the 16 minute mark so about 1/4 of the way through and just… I am uncomfortable, cringing, secondhand embarrassment and yet somehow still bored.

I mean I sat through far worse in Picard but I think it’s because I expect a lot more from SNW. It’s far more disappointing.

….

I took a little break and then did watch it.

Pike cooking for the engagement dinner was good. So in character. Such a dad.

I don’t recall what the issue is with Spock and his father. I have a vague memory it was mentioned on Discovery but it’s been a minute since I saw that.

Space Karen and her incredibly hen pecked husband was ehhhh ok. A bit odd really if it was the husband that was in favour of the match as he agreed with his wife about everything else, so why not agree with her about Spock?

If Spock is wrestling with his dual nature tying it into prejudice and his mothers experience was a good direction. Much better than the cringing comedy that was most of the episode.

Honestly almost all the characters felt off, like they were OOC. Pike was solid but that’s about it.

As for that end scene… I really can’t believe that we are what 20 years on? And we are doing the Friends ā€œbut we were on a break!ā€ plot. I mean ā€œtaking time apartā€ doesn’t sound like ā€œhook up with whomever you wantā€ to me. It sounds like ā€œI want to press pause on deepening commitmentā€. That isn’t a release to do whatever. In fact the opposite. I guess Spock doesn’t want to get married or he would want to do whatever he could to improve T’pring’s opinion of him.

I think this is the weakest episode from across both seasons. It’s not one I will rewatch. Very little in the positive column imo.

@Bird of Dawning

I loved Spock just appearing to tidy up after Sam.

I feel that impulse. I don’t like to touch stuff so idk if I would clean up his stuff but I would want to. So kinship with Spock there!

Ahhhhhh!

I am so excited 🤩🤩🤩

Star Wars Rebels = my favourite Star Wars media.

I (like a lot of people) had a ā€˜dark age’ when it came to Lego and the run of Rebels sets happened before I came back to Lego which I have been crushed by ever since my return šŸ™ they are impossible to get secondhand for a decent price. Usually they go for 2-5x what the original RRP was and I just can’t.

Obviously this new version of the Ghost doesn’t have the original minifigs but there is a version of Hera and Chopper. Both Zeb and Sabine appear in Ahsoka so might appear in a different set. So sadly that leaves Ezra and Kanan missing.

There is a JACEN minifig! He doesn’t have the green hair which… to be honest I am a bit disappointed about. I hoped he would as an inherited manifestation from his mum, but we’ll have to see. He hasn’t appeared beyond 5 seconds at the end of the Rebels finale so I withhold judgement.

September 1st this comes out.

I try and be strategic with my purchases to get the biggest bang for my buck. I wait for sales or if there is a good ā€œgift with purchaseā€ but I don’t know if I will be able to wait šŸ˜‚ it’s the Ghost!!

Thoughts on 2.04 (SNW)

OW!!! What the fuck was that? I am 13 minutes in and my ears are bleeding. Well alright not literally but OUCH!

Ugh! It’s a plot point and repeats 😭

Ooof ok the pain in my ears is an abiding memory for sure. The whole ā€œdoctors aren’t usually selected for their fighting skillsā€ calls back to episode 1 and suggests yes that is a subplot this season, and 2 we better get some kind of answer as I really do have questions.

What was that finger under the eye gesture La’an and M’Benga did?

Ah Ortegas 😦 I love them, they are a favourite and most episodes I wish they had more to do. With this one? Yes they were on screen more, yes they kinda saved the day, but like you said it was just ā€œI fly the shipā€ which is all we know. So frustrating! And unfair. I mean M’Benga seems to be getting this fighting subplot and he had his daughter subplot last season. La’an had the gorn last season and Khan this season. Uhura had ā€œdo I belong in starfleet?ā€ last season and is a new ensign now. Why is Ortegas the only one who gets nothing?

I don’t know about Luq. I’m back and forth about it. I’m relieved they did treat him ā€œfor his own goodā€ but Pike pointed out it was his choice to stay. He hadn’t been spared the pain as he felt it and the absence he just didn’t know why. Is waking up everyday with that itchy feeling of something being missing but not knowing worse than knowing? It’s too bad they didn’t condense things and then have a wrap-up with some people deciding they wanted to know, and others maybe after having remembered choosing not to. That should maybe have happened and them yanking the asteroid away to wake everyone up did take the choice away. After a thousand years it was a way of life for them – their culture, and yes it wouldn’t have been without the asteroid but humans wouldn’t exist if dinosaurs hadn’t been wiped out be an asteroid so I don’t think we can really argue there.

I wonder if some of Pike and Batel is that he knows his fate and thinks that he doesn’t want to wreck her life for something that won’t last?

Also this show is very pretty. The snow and that purple orange sky with mountains was wow.

I hate watching space battles. I am watching the season 3 finale of Star Wars: Rebels and all the ships getting blown up 🄺 it seriously makes me tear up. All those people 😭 I hate it.

Obviously a story has to have stakes, and I guess this story has done it’s job in upsetting me because I care, but ugh! I like it when the good guys win and some pain and bruises = fine, but death šŸ˜” no.

So often it seems like the shows leave the main characters alive, and they kill off the background ones to show the stakes like they don’t matter. They do matter! I mean obviously I don’t want the main characters to die and I am very ok with plot armor, but I wish the poor ā€œredshirtsā€ didn’t pay the price.

That really bugged me in season 3 of Picard. They literally showed the bodies, the blood on the walls. It was graphic. But the characters own words didn’t make any mention of it. It was like the bridge crew was all alive so that was ok. I know the trope ā€˜redshirts’ came from Trek but that doesn’t make it right.

So yes I am sad. All those ships 🄺