August’s WriYe blog topic is well-timed because I’m really struggling right now.

I have never liked questioning motivation when I’m not doing things. I get upset and say “it’s not that I don’t want to because I really do!!!” as to me motivation means desire and actually that’s not exactly right.

Motivation isn’t bribery either. That’s another thing. It’s saying “I have to do X and if I do it, then I can have a little treat”. It’s not punishment – “I have to do X and if I don’t do it, then Y bad thing happens”. These are external pressures that can aid motivation but it’s not motivation itself.

Once upon a time I think I would have talked about “pulling the rabbit out of the hat” here. Because I used to push it sometimes, and then that external ‘motivation’ pressure meant I then got the task done – until I didn’t. Until that pressure wasn’t enough, and I failed. The thing did not get done and I had to face the consequences (punishment). This is why I don’t think bribery/punishment is much of a factor for motivation. It can be like the ‘cherry on top’ but the task was likely to happen anyway. It’s like the 5%, maybe occasionally it tips the scale and makes a difference but isn’t a big thing.

So what am I saying?

I’m not doing all of the blog topics, only the ones in which I feel I have something to say. The topic this month though is close to my heart – “Define your biggest distraction and how you deal with it.”

My focus is actually not as terrible as it used to be. Really that’s what distraction is to me – lack of focus. I can’t say a specific person, situation or circumstance is a distraction because it doesn’t matter what it is. I either focus – or I don’t. If I’m not focusing then my attention could be caught by watching paint dry (as an extreme example). It’s never what calls me as the ‘distraction’ because if it wasn’t that, it would be something else. The fault lies with me.

The question this month is simple:

What author do you admire the most? Why?

And the answer is thus quite simple. Only because it’s me I’m going to take a little segue first and explain my thinking behind any kind of admiration.

I joke sometimes about certain people being “who I want to be when I grow up”. Now obviously I’m 33 and so I should be grown up but it’s more about the dream they represent I guess – an ideal in some way. I don’t know if I’m unusual in this approach because I feel (possibly mistakenly) that most people would equate author = writing, and talk about the books that have touched their soul, the wordsmiths who transcended the written word to weave something magical.

Now don’t get me wrong that’s good too but when I think of the authors I admire the most, it’s less about their actual words (though I like those too!!) and more about what they have achieved in their career. Essentially, they are where I would like to be.

So I skipped February’s blog topic because I didn’t think I had anything really to contribute (it was about writing ‘hacks’). However, this month the topic is “Reduce, Reuse, Recycle – The R’s of Revision” and if there’s anything I have opinions about in writing, it’s revision.

I have had a pet peeve for years of people saying revision when they mean editing. I have tried to get less grumpy about it because we are all entitled to use whatever words we want. One persons editing might well be another persons revision – I shouldn’t judge. Yet it’s one of those things that annoys me anyway.

So what is revision?

So last year I managed a sum total of 2 blog topics for WriYe (January and December). I am aiming to do a little better this year. I probably won’t write all of them because some of them don’t speak to me, but I have made a note of the ones I think I could write a post on, and I intend to do a post for all of those.

Anyway the topic this week is to “write your future author bio / FAQ page” and I honestly laughed when I read that. Back in the day I had one of those pages, during my first attempt at publication. I got somebody on Fiverr to write it because I found it so awkward. Now I could cheat and just look in the depths of my hard drive and post that one, but I think I will make an honest attempt myself. It’s been… well lets not think how long its been, but a while, and I’m older and maybe want to say different things I don’t know.

Look I’m actually making the post! I’m not sure I have done this ‘properly’ in a few years so let’s do this. What do I want from this year?

Now goals need to be SMART because when it’s intangible, how do you know when it’s been achieved? I can want inner peace, contentment, some amount of happiness etc. but that’s a feeling and an end result. Maybe I will get it one day, maybe I won’t, but I need to target things I can actually do something about.

This is the time of year I usually get an infusion of hope/optimism – wishful thinking – and I hope, hope with all my heart that the upcoming year will be different. I want it to be better, I want to feel better, so badly and then it never works out. It’s always a disappointment and I hate getting to my recap posts and going “well that was another sucky year”. It always seems like there’s some kind of external reason, but a lot of that is just excuses. I have depression, I have intense anxiety. I am autistic. I have physical symptoms even if I am unsure if I have actual physical issues (the mind likes to screw with the body). Life can be hard but I need to make choices that serve me.

So here we are again.

To be honest I could copy and past a lot of last years ‘year in review’ and it would apply. I’ve got to the end of another year and I feel like I’m no further forward towards my dream.

I started the (2022 goal post) by saying that in my review of 2021 I had put “that I really didn’t want to get to the end of the year and be disappointed again – but I was.” – that is the dream and it is yet to be obtained.

2022, Year in Review

And as I said – here I am again. Another year, another disappointment.