@ussjellyfish and @purlturtle 🤗🤗 two tags, I feel so wanted. Thank you guys!! ❤️

1. How many works do you have on ao3?

82. More than half are Once Upon a Time as that was the fandom I started writing with my AO3.

2. What’s your total ao3 word count?

942,705 which is annoying. I have quit fanfic for the time being and not having made the million is disappointing. I mean I have written more than a million I am sure as I never cross posted anything from my fanfic.net account and I have some on my HD I never posted.

3. What fandoms do you write for?

None at the moment. I still have much affection for Sanctuary, Warehouse 13, The Librarians and Star Trek. There were a number of ideas on my list that I never got round to writing. I feel nostalgia for it but with my spoons (or lack thereof lately) I have to choose. I can’t write original and fanfic, and for now I am wanting to write original.

Continue reading

tinknevertalks asked:

4, 31, and 35 for the wip asks, please! 🙂 (If I’ve already sent in my request ignore this one – my brain is not co-operating today.)

4) Last sentence written?

I debated about this question because I haven’t written anything in a month, and what I was working on then is a redraft of an original novel and I’m not confident enough to share that. So I think I will skip (sorry) and instead use the random number to pick another question to answer for you. Which is….

26) Google docs, word doc, or neither?

You are around my age I think? So does this question amuse you a bit too? I predate those options. Well maybe not Word but we didn’t have it until I was in high school. I started off with good old pen and paper. My grandparents had a computer (a BBC-B) and they let me play frogger on it sometimes but not work. My mums first computer was a Windows 3.1 which predates the taskbar start menu and all of that. That had a program on it called “Microsoft Works” which from google to shore up my failing memory looks like it was word/excel/publisher etc. all in one. So that was my first foray into digital.

But I digress because yes of course I went on to wordpad, and then I got Word 2003 (still haven’t upgraded btw) but then when I got an iPad which has no stinking USB socket, I couldn’t carry around my stick with my word files anymore to work on everywhere so then I jumped to google docs.

Buuuuuut I have recently jumped to… something else. The problem with google docs is it is rubbish at large files (lags horribly), it doesn’t have a decent dark mode, it doesn’t have any integral backup options for changes, and I just don’t think it is really intended for 80k novels. I used it for years but it was really starting to frustrate me. It’s free which is why I tried to stick with it but I have moved to use NovelPad. By the name it’s designed for novels. It is web based but with a good offline mode, backs up every minute automatically, you can split everything into scenes, the revision feature is my favourite (no more juggling multiple documents) and the dark mode is so good. It’s also not overly complicated like Scrivener (which I could never get on with). The only bad thing is it’s a subscription. But as serious as I want to take my writing and with all the quality of life it offers I decided for me it was worth it.

31) Are you doing this instead of actually working on your wip?

No… well I suppose technically all ‘free’ time could be used for writing. But it’s 7:30am and I am going out this morning to buy a new mattress. I have had mine for 25 years and I am now waking up with backache everyday (no springs poking through but I can feel them grinding). But yeah I am terrible if I have appointments for not being able to focus (even more than I usually can’t haha).

35) Are you more likely to make grammatical errors or spelling errors?

Hmm. There are some words I just can’t spell (like guarantee thank you auto correct), and there are some words I spell so badly that spellcheck can’t fix it and I have to go “google you are my only hope”. But for the most part I can spell. It’s more automatic than thinking about it, I think if you used me to spell out words I would probably be worse haha. So maybe grammatical? I’m not too sure what comes under the heading of grammar. I don’t do any of the big things (I think/hope) but comma splicing probably, passive voice definitely etc. I don’t get that many wavy underlines either way to be honest.

Thanks for the ask ❤️

sarcasticsciencefictionwriter asked:

For the Writing-WIP ask game, 23 and 37, if you don’t mind? 😊

23) Do you make your own wip covers?

Yup. It’s actually an ambition of mine to get good enough at drawing to be able to make all my book covers properly. Not there yet and I might never be but it’s a dream. Anyway for original novels I just do quick temp covers with a vaguely related royalty free stock image + text, nothing fancy. For fandom it depends I have done photo manips, I have done drawings, and for Sanctuary I did quite a few gifsets. I generally like to provide some kind of banner image to liven up the post whatever it is 🙂

37) Name a series you’ve abandoned writing

Ok I’m going to take the word ‘series’ loosely here. For the most part I am relatively good at finishing what I have started posting. Dredging my memory I think I have only abandoned 4 fanfics in my /cough 20+ years /cough. The first I was about 12 and it’s a very long story to explain. The second I was 19, it was a self-indulgent crossover and I wrote part 1 (it ended on a cliffhanger), but then I could not work out how to keep it going with the crossover element. It just failed the logic test of why everyone would still be included and so I posted all of my notes/thoughts as an epilogue (this was on ff.net) and gave up.

Where I start to feel guilty is with the more recent ones. I wrote for Once Upon a Time for a year or so and I really wanted people to like me, I wanted to feel included. So I jumped on every prompt going. My desperation could probably have been seen from space 🙄. Anyway I wrote two chapters of a rare… crossover pair (hard to explain anyelle quickly but basically that) and then I had so many WIPs in those days that it just constantly fell to the bottom of the pile and when I ran out of steam and stopped, it’s what was left undone. The other one I feel even more guilty about as I actually won a fandom award for it. That was called Painting Layers of Love, and the problem with that is I poured far too much of my own anxiety into one of the characters, and then obviously I wanted the character to be happy which meant dealing with their issues. Problem is I don’t know how to “fix it” as I can’t fix myself. So I stalled as I couldn’t see a way out and eventually just officially abandoned it /guilt /guilt.

For original novels… I struggle with the ‘abandoned’ part because I might go back to it, or I will cannibalise it and use parts elsewhere. I mean sure technically there is a series. I actually indie published Book One. I thought I had been so sensible as I had waited until I had drafted Book Two but I was behind and it was only a first draft. I should have had it fully ready, and if I had waited I would have known, but I had booked promotions and so couldn’t delay. Anyway when I went to revise Book Two it just fell apart. I tried redrafting it from scratch but I could just not make it work. Fortunately nobody had been all that interested and so I took Book One down quietly and decided to chalk it up to experience. I later indie published the first two novels in another series and had to also take them down (this time due to a mental breakdown) buuut that’s another story. And that series really isn’t abandoned as I do intend to fix it up and republish eventually. But yes I suppose the time travel crime series is abandoned. I get nostalgic for it but I don’t know that I will pick it up again. Never say never of course. But my original ideas are many (I could write solidly for a decade and not be done) so it’s not like I need to go back to it.

Thanks for the ask ❤️

So I might not have anything else ready to post for prompt month. I have some pieces in progress but it’s looking doubtful that I will finish them. After the “Ezekiel as Ezra” drawing I took a break from the art and shifted gears to revision analysis of this novel draft I wrote a couple of years ago.

Ten days later and I have tossed most of it, have a rewritten outline, and I’m ready to write the second draft.

Except I’m not.

For two days now I have procrastinated and avoided and just not started with the writing. This is something of a pattern with me. If I can do things (and often I can’t do anything) but when I can do things, I can do pre-tasks quite well. I can make lists, I can plan, I can be analytical and do prep work. The rewriting of the outline involved a lot of creative thought too, as once I knew what didn’t work I had to come up with something that I hoped would this time. So it’s not like I can’t totally do creative stuff.

I just can’t word.

It somehow makes it real I think which hits me in the subconscious where I am afraid all the time. I am afraid that it will suck again. I am afraid that I will never be able to fix it to my satisfaction. I am afraid that this will all just be wasted effort. I am also afraid that I will be able to write it ok, that I will make it ‘done’ at some point because I am afraid of what comes next and I’m not sure I’m ready for that. So yeah equally afraid of failure and success. Probably overwhelmed too for good measure with all the things I am trying to remember about how to write it better this time (technique wise, not just the content points).

I’m not just like this with words, I am like this with everything. Prep work is fine but the actual thing? My mind runs a million miles in the other direction. Like I want to get better at art but I have some fairly comfortable bad habits and it’s easier to just roll with that, rather than actually tackle the hard work and practice to really improve. I don’t have to face how crap I am without the crutches I lean on. Plus if I don’t ever seriously knuckle down and try, then I don’t have to find out whether it’s impossible for me to get to the skill level I would like.

My whole life is like this. The second anything gets real, or feels important, or has consequences, I start to run. I was good at school until the actual qualification years came about. Then I stopped doing my homework when it was set, and started scrambling to do it the night before. I stopped putting in extra effort and started doing the bare minimum. My classmates thought it was funny and strange as if they shifted it was the other way, to doing better now it mattered.

So I don’t entirely know what to do with myself. I am trying to be gentle and listen to my feelings rather than push and beat myself up, and send myself into a depression spiral (like normal). As that isn’t a behaviour pattern which serves me. It’s one I have practiced and reinforced for over two decades though so hard habit to break. Plus, intellectually knowing something and actually feeling it are two different things. I am annoyed with myself and I wish I could do better, I wish I could be the person I want and not self-sabotage like this. I hate it.

There’s AI discourse going around again, and I know I am contributing to it venting here but just ugh.

Like I love what I have seen because every post has been slamming AI and saying it’s theft and yes 100% agree. I like that I am not alone in hating the idea. It’s ironic now but I always had such comfort that a “creative job” would always exist because there would a) always be a need for it (whether I am good enough or marketable is a whole other thing, but humans need art), and b) it wasn’t something that could be done by a machine…. boy do I feel silly now.

But that’s kinda my point a bit. I hate remembering that AI exists that can do art. Yes I know there are logical arguments for why it won’t necessarily replace human creatives but I am cynical I guess. I already have a daily battle that I don’t feel like I will ever be good enough. Now I have to battle an additional mental demon of “what’s the point?” as maybe AI can’t do everything yet but the more the machine feeds, the better it gets, and exponentially so ‘one day’ is soon-ish. No telling how soon but it feels soon.

I am a more practiced writer than I am an artist but I don’t delude myself that I’m that great at either. Chronic fatigue is a real problem for me. Not sure how physical it is, it could just be mental from the depression/anxiety, but it gets in my way regardless. I need to put in a lot of work to improve, and I am so tired. It all feels pointless and a computer is already better than me. And yes I am feeling sorry for myself.

A big part of why I attempt to write and draw is because I have stories/images in my head and I want them to be real. Like most creatives probably, reality never matches my mind and that’s disappointing. Creating is a hard gig and that’s before the AI bullshit. But I keep trying because I want to produce my ideas. So I totally get that will always be there for me. That I can keep trying to make stuff no matter what AI is doing. But I also want to share, to be seen. I also – sometimes- try to dream about a future for myself. In this world where everything is about profit margins, and nobody pays for anything if they don’t have to, if AI can make something ‘serviceable’ in an instant, who would pay a human to make something? Presuming of course I can ever get my work to a level where anyone would ever pay anyway. I realise I can share for free but I also like to pay bills.

So yeah today I am sharing the misery I guess. Because everytime I see talk about AI (even good talk slamming it), it reminds me that it exists and I go in a despairing, demoralised spiral.

I suppose at its core. I so desperately want to be good enough. For reality to come close to matching the imagination. But I am held back by my mental demons and by being so tired. I need to have more stamina. But all I see is this huge mountain of work in front of me. All the practice I need to do to even hope of getting good enough. And it really does feel like time is running out. Who will even care anymore?

Ok so the shitshow that was Picard Season Three accomplished at least one thing – it completely reawakened my utter love for Seven and Raffi. I mean that had never gone away but last year with the whole moving house thing, I had kinda gone “off the boil” so to speak with my obsessions.

I started with the oneshots. I posted Seven’s. I have a ton of notes for Raffi’s and I will most likely still write and post that.

But it was a slippery slope and I joked about that. It made me remember the fanfic ideas I had walked away from (some part-written on my HD) when I decided to quit fanfic last year. I started musing over whether it would really hurt anything to write a little more fanfic. I love it right? I have such feelings for Saffi and Bering and Wells and my Sanctuary OT3 etc.

So I was circling the idea and it felt pretty inevitable I was going to give in. I wanted to. I could feel the rush of the love I have for these characters.

And then Picard Season Three and more critically the utter feeling of dread I have when I think about a potential Star Trek: Legacy continuing in that same vein.

I’m NOT going to come back to fanfic. I love the characters so much but I am done investing myself in other peoples creations. I am done riding that train of aggravation and disappointment. Yes fanfic is very much “I can fix it” and I am still going to feel emotional when I watch stuff because fanfic or not I will care deeply about what I love. But at this point it feels like trying to fill some kind of endless void. No matter how much fix-it fic I write I can’t erase what made me sad in the first place.

I want to write a better story. I want to invest my creative love in something I can control – my own creation. And by better I mean it might not be (I have very little faith in my own skills) but it will be more aligned with my tastes, put it that way. Better is subjective but it will be better for me and that’s enough.

I feel a sense of peace from this realisation. So I think it might be permanent this time. But life likes to be a surprise so never say never.

quasi-normalcy:

honey-wine-and-time:

So at its best, Star Trek is a franchise that makes one think. About moral, ethical, philosophical, anthropological, humanistic, and scientific questions.

Which is why I think I found Picard season 3 to be SO frustrating. Everything else aside, it seemed to be a season that *aggressively* didn’t want the audience to think. Not about the simplest questions (where is Troi and Riker’s daughter? Why wouldn’t you contact that other Borg Queen that is your friend? Why are the changelings working with the Borg anyway?) and *certainly* not about anything morally or ethically complicated, about, say, war crimes, or the securitization of the Federation, or the implications of everyone just going along with something as jingoistic as “Frontier Day,” or about whether there might be any solution to a problem besides just killing your enemies. 

There was no thought in that season. It was nostalgic blither that quieted everything queer, that quieted any meaningful growth the TNG characters had beyond TNG (the only exception being the world’s most boring nepo baby who was The Most Important Thing). It didn’t want you to think, it didn’t want you to ask questions, it certainly didn’t want you to imagine a better world.

It was profoundly disappointing. 

And it’s frustrating because it could have talked meaningfully about the implications of, say, the attempted genocide on the Changelings. But it didn’t seem interested in fleshing it out beyond a “Hey, remember that thing from Deep Space Nine? Here it is again!” kind of a way.

(via the-goofball)

#sighing forever#I am so salty#I do think about all this stuff and I think a good chunk of the reason season 3 sucked so much is because the characters didn’t#like that’s storytelling 101 if you introduce something there needs to be a payoff#if there are no consequences then why plot? it doesn’t have any gravity or weight and is ultimately meaningless

Ok fic is done I think? Need to write up a summary. Decide if I am too tired to make a graphic.

Working title is “Scars of acceptance, finally enough” and I don’t know?

Also debating whether to keep it a oneshot, add a second chapter under the same heading, or just write up a second oneshot.

This one is about Seven but I have thoughts about Raffi that come under the same kind of theme.

I think separately is the way to go but then I will need another title. Titles are hard.

But hey it’s still only oneshots. Slippery slope not yet activated.

aliveburs:

being insane about your own fics is so embarrassing like i want to scream and cry and shout about them but it’s like. my own guys. 

(via agentmmayy)

#you can just do it anyway#but tbh it doesn’t much help the gnawing feeling of invisibility#only someone else being enthused can do that and that’s like gold dust#but hey gotta get those feelings out somehow#10/10 would recommend rambling about own fics#nobody probably cares and it’s very lonely but if you can’t talk to your own tumblr blog then who?

Ok I am trying to keep it to oneshot length but /sigh words are on the page.

Saffi fic is happening even though I quit fanfic and am not supposed to be writing it anymore.

Hopefully this will at least enable me to keep resisting the epic novel length ideas. It will help me resist right? It could make it worse.

I just have too many feelings.