So it’s been a few days. I think I said in my last report I had finished Episode Two and had nothing planned. I lost Monday to working out a story and most of an outline for Episode Three. So I did ‘write’ on Monday but I didn’t get any words for NaNo as it was just planning.

Tuesday went the way of depression. I’m not sure what triggered it but my head was just not in a good place. I zoned out as a defence mechanism I think and my brain would just not work. So no words there. Then yesterday (Wednesday) was chore day. By the time I had got groceries and cleaned the house it was mid-afternoon and I had just had enough.

Which brings me today and there were words! A lot of them! I was sitting at around 7k or so behind and now I’m a bit less than 3k behind. The scenes need a lot of work but for the first time I felt like I started to get a bit into the voice of one of the characters. I haven’t felt that yet so that was good. Hopefully it will happen for the others eventually. The thing that worries me is if this episode is the same length as the others, I’m going to be a couple of thousand short of the 50k with nothing planned again. Still I guess that’s next weeks problem.

Words today: 4,208
Current total: 35,599

No report yesterday. I was supposed to go to a regional write-in but I spent several hours stuck in traffic and never made it there (road was flooded). This threw my whole day out and I just couldn’t get my head in the game when I got back home. So it was a zero day.

Today I think I was helped by the fact I knew mum was visiting for a few hours. I had to get today’s words in this morning, and I wanted to finish Episode 2 (as I just had the two scenes left). I did it! Made for my highest word count day this month I think and now I am less than 300 words behind NaNo’s par. They are crappy scenes that need a ton of work but for the zillionth boring time, at least I have a starting point to build from.

Only problem now is tomorrow – Episode Three – and I have nada, zip, nothing. Not even a concept. So that will be fun. I will need to brainstorm before I can begin to write :/ hopefully I will manage to do both.

Words today: 3,226
Current total: 31,391

I had some trouble getting going but as was the case yesterday, once I started it was fine. Well… depends on your definition of fine. I’m 99% sure I will have to toss everything I wrote. I’m not happy with the scenes at all. I keep telling myself that it’s a starting point and that it gives me something to work with. Doesn’t stop it from being a bit disheartening though.

Yesterday I worked out the rest of the outline and I hope tomorrow I will finish Episode Two. I have absolutely nothing planned for Episode Three so future!Me is going to have fun /not. I do like the artifact I came up with for them to hunt for this time, it ties into a cool historical mystery but not one I had heard before. So I hope that will be interesting for people to read – if I ever get to the point of being able to share that is.

Currently a little less than 200 behind NaNo pace, so closing the gap there. Hopefully I can keep it up!

Words today: 2,582
Current total: 28,165

I’m cold. Now that’s not a complaint exactly. The horrifically hot summers (like 40c last year!) mean I can’t bring myself to mind the cold, instead I am grateful. But that doesn’t change the fact that I am cold. The way the temperature fluctuates it’s hard to know what to set my heating at (I have to guess the day before and it ‘charges’ at night for the following day). Night before last I didn’t have it on at all as it was warm enough without it. Last night it was on and it was clearly not on enough.

Anyway I went to mums for around 90 minutes this morning as I could not focus to get started. It was 5-6 degrees warmer there. I got around 1.1k and reached the end of what outline I had for episode two. I came home for lunch and then really did not want to shift out from the blanket. I did so and I managed to conjure the rest of the outline so episode two is now planned. I also wrote more. I guess while I couldn’t get started when I was cold, continuing was easier even though it was no warmer.

On my planner I write the starting total and what I have left and the “left” number is now smaller than the “have”! Whoo! So I am now about 1.1k behind NaNo pace. It’s a deficit I haven’t yet been able to shift but hopefully soon or at least by day thirty lol.

Words today: 2,624
Current total: 25,583

The half way mark.

Am I halfway? Not quite.

It’s Wednesday which is chore day. Having to go grocery shopping historically makes me functionally useless the rest of the day. It’s why I made it chore day (I used to clean on Sundays). So Wednesday is the designated ‘do nothing’ day in terms of the productive things I usually try and do but it’s NaNo and I am already behind.

I managed some words between lunch and when a plumber was supposed to visit to quote (they still aren’t here /sigh). Not par but better than zero. I don’t like the scene I just finished. I know why I wrote it (found family vibes) but it isn’t executed well. I think I maybe need to move it earlier or later so there’s some plot work going on too.

Anyway hopefully I will hit the halfway mark tomorrow.

Words today: 848
Current total: 22,959

Yesterday in a reply to a comment – and thank you guys for putting up with these daily rambles ❤️ – I said that NaNo was a journey. Yesterday in the post I said that I thought the rewards were a little pointless as they weren’t making me dig deep and go for it when I wouldn’t otherwise. That if I could make myself write I did, and if I couldn’t then it didn’t happen and the reward was immaterial to that. So I then figured what is the point of the reward?

And then it hit me (and I am struggling to articulate this so I hope it makes sense) but everything in life we either do, or don’t do. Like I hate showering but I still do it because it’s important not to smell. So much of life is a struggle and writing is definitely a struggle a lot of the time. I do have to fight the “why bother just give up” monster every day. Now I fight it because I want to tell the story, I dream that one day I will feel confident enough to share it with others.

But that ‘reward’ of having a story to share is a million miles down the road and a crapton more work away. Yeah I’m not writing to earn the video game I mentioned. But actually what is the harm in giving myself a sort of ‘gold star’ type thing? Like yes you are showing up, you are trying. I know you wish you were trying harder but is there any level of suffering that would be enough for you? Will you ever think you tried hard enough? No probably not. So why not just pretend for a second, that I reached a milestone, that I can say I deserve something shiny for the effort. That’s what it is. Maybe the problem is I don’t feel it inside? That I’m shrugging off the idea I could deserve it like I do any kind of positivity as just not being true.

Anyway sorry that was quite a digression and not really about today. I’m still feeling my way through Episode Two of this sequel. It’s going to need so much revision but that’s what I get for not planning properly I guess. I’m still about 1.2k behind NaNo pace but I have been like 20k behind one year, so I am not worried yet.

Words today: 1,985
Current total: 22,111

So today didn’t go at all how I wanted. Yesterday I had the thought that I would catch up to par, hopefully get to around 22k. I woke up with a headache which sucked but I intended to soldier on anyway – and then I checked the news. The government apparently has plans to overhaul disability and it scares me. Intellectually I know it’s ridiculous because it’s at least a couple of years out from happening but I got all upset anyway.

Eventually mum calmed me down and about 3pm I tried to write something. I decided to aim for the 20k I didn’t quite manage yesterday, so slipping further behind again :/ still any words were better than no words I guess.

I think 30k on the 17th is unlikely now. I told mum about the rewards idea, and how I had picked a game that was on 80% sale (which ends on the 17th). She told me to get it anyway as I am likely to hit 30k before the end of the month. The only reason there is no flexibility on reward timing is the sale. So I may do that. Having built it up to be such a thing in my mind of “have to have 30k by the 17th” it now feels like cheating. However I suppose if I had picked any other kind of reward that it wouldn’t have mattered when I hit it during the month. I’m not sure I should really do the whole reward thing anyway. It doesn’t seem to be motivating me to really push. I either write or I don’t, reward immaterial, so it’s really just getting myself a gift that to be honest I don’t really deserve.

Words today: 825
Current total: 20,126