Why is actually getting started so difficult?
I open the document, I even think I know what the first line of the day might be, but rather than starting typing I procrastinate by flicking around the internet on my other screen.
Why self? Why?
Author Archives: Sam
THIS IS NOT A DRILL
After spending *cough* rather longer than I would have liked, staring at my screen and procrastinating, given the whole “2019, let’s be better” thing one is supposed to attempt on the 1st…
There are words!
Better than that – there are words on Painting Layers of Love
*falls over*
I can’t even say it’s been 84 years because it’s been much, much longer than that. We’re talking like approaching 2 years here. Anyway, I’m taking the 2019 Finish What You Start challenge.
#TeamDoThing
Another year
I’m 28 and I feel old.
Now anyone older than me would say that is ridiculous, that I’m still young etc. but the big times of year always cause introspection in me. Not so long ago, although I suppose best part of a decade now, I used to get very fired up around New Year. It was driven by desperation and self-loathing admittedly, but the point was I saw the changing of the year as this ‘magical’ moment where I could turn my life around. I bought into the hype of the ‘new year’ basically.
I’m not entirely sure when my mentality shifted, during the last few years I lost hope I guess and I came to my current belief about the new year. That there is nothing magical or special about the clock ticking over from one day to the next. That the only difference about a changing year is that I’m a year closer to death – cheery much? – but the introspection does make me feel like that. Like it’s another year gone, I’m still a failure, still useless, and as much as I want the upcoming year to be my year I have no real faith that will happen.
The truth is “being better is so much harder.”
There is a reason that most new years resolutions fail within just a couple of days. It is easy to have the idea, to know that you ‘should’ do something, it is very difficult to have the discipline to day-in, day-out, make that happen.
I woke up this morning with the same aches and pains, the same heavy weight, the same whispers in my mind – it’s the same battle, and it being 2019 doesn’t change that. Yeah I set goals, and yeah I really want them to happen. I’m going to do my best but I guess even on the 1st I’m preparing myself for disappointment.
Fighting an endless war is exhausting and a date on a calendar doesn’t change that.
Creative Resolutions 2019
I enter 2019 with:
– 1 shockingly neglected WIP (didn’t update once last year *guilt, guilt*)
– 6 fic ideas on the ‘to be written’ list
One of those ‘to be written ideas’ is for a rare-pair, from a cancelled TV show and … I don’t care. I was out of fandom for 10 years, I started writing fanfic again because of Rumbelle – Rumbelle is literally why I am here typing this! The other five ideas on that list (plus the WIP) are Rumbelle, I’m not going anywhere, but I did far more for other shows this past year than I did for Rumbelle and I’m ok with that.
My first resolution is..
.. to do what makes me happy.
Nobody likes feeling invisible but the response to my other show stuff has been, well muted at best, and I’m ok with that. I write and draw what it is in me to write and draw. I like making other people happy but the first person I have to please is myself. I need to do what I want, what I feel good about doing, and forget about ‘should’. I talk a lot about guilt because feeling guilty is a permanent state of being. In 2019
my second resolution is..
.. to cut myself a creative break.
I’m never going to stop feeling guilty about life but I can try and stop beating myself up over things I choose to do – things that should make me happy. For instance I find it difficult to choose what to work on because if I pick project A, then I feel guilty I’m not working on project B, even though logic does tell me I can’t work on more than one thing simultaneously (only have one brain and one set of hands hehe). Therefore in 2019 my resolution is to forget what I ‘should’ be working on and rediscover my joy in just working on what I please.
My third resolution is..
.. to institute a routine and stick to it.
I respond very well to a routine. The only reason why I go to class 95% of the time is because I’m supposed to, it’s on the schedule and so I do it whether I feel like it or not. For the past week I’ve set myself a task for the following day and miracle upon miracles – that task has got done. So in 2019 I’m going to do the 4thewords 444 word minimum everyday. I’m going to go with that rather than a potentially more punishing ‘update schedule’ because if words are happening, then things will be being written and that has to be enough.
I know myself and it’s all very well to set a bunch of deadlines now, during christmas break, but come January 14th I’ll be back at uni and instantly exhausted and stressed out from having to be around all the people. So as much as I would love to say I’ll update once a week, or even twice a month, and as much as I’m desperate to do other things like I would love to start a comic, I want to do it so bad, but it’s just not realistic. Which brings me to
my fourth and last resolution is..
.. to forgive myself.
I want to do so much and I get so frustrated because I continually fail. I need to accept that things will not get done as quickly as I’d like, and they won’t be as good as I want, that improving is a process and it takes time. I need to accept that good enough is good enough. When things don’t work out how I want I beat myself up and that is very counter-productive.
Basically in 2019 I need to be nicer to myself
/the end
2018 Creative Year in Review
I haven’t done any fic status updates all year because I haven’t been writing. I quit doing regular summaries after April 2017 and have only done two since. However, it’s the end of the year and time for a little introspection 🙂
February:
– Coming home to you (Fitzsimmons, Agents of Shield) (Drawing)
– Blind taste-testing at home on Valentines Day (Rumbelle, Once) (Drawing)
– Finn and BB-8 (Star Wars) (Drawing)
July:
– The Wedding Job (Rumbelle, Once)
August:
– Time (Agents of Shield)
– The Spy Who Dumped Me (Haylexis, Castle) (Photo-manip)
September:
– Ghost of a Memory (Garcy, Timeless) (prompt fill)
– Taboo Love (Garcy, Timeless) (prompt fill)
October:
– Monstrare, Monere (Warehouse 13)
December:
– Start of Something (Garcy, Timeless)
– Friends in Time (Garcy, Timeless)
– Jedi Rumbelle (Rumbelle, Once) (Drawing)
Stats:
Words Posted: 24,207
Stories posted: 7
Verses created (multiple fics, same verse): 1
WIPs finished: 0
WIPs still to complete: 1
Art (drawings/photo-manips): 5
I haven’t been this furious at a fictional character in quite some time.
How dare Jennifer do that to her mother? Well to her whole family but it’s her mothers tears that are killing me 🙁
I mean she’s going to have to go home at some point right? The longer she runs, the worse it is ESPECIALLY because she is in danger. I just don’t understand why she’s running from her family. They would help her first, lecture/ground her second. Sure the consequences suck but as she partly ran because she felt they were too strict, I expect that there will be lots of talking. Any anger will be because they were so frightened.
And I’ve circled back to how can she put her family through this?!?! again because really? I don’t get it. It is very very cruel. I guess she perhaps isn’t thinking from their point of view, she probably hasn’t thought “my mum might think I’m dead” but that is the reality her mum is living and my heart breaks for her 🙁
This is my latest piece. Number #8 I think as it goes. So what did I learn? Oh so many things! Obviously it’s still not great but it’s a learning exercise.
I did this in a mix of Clip Studio Paint and Photoshop, so #1 of things I learned was how to use Clip Studio. I posed the characters in Poser but I had to do the clothes and everything myself, same with the faces.
For what I’m pleased with I think the texture looks good on Belle’s robe and boots. I think the lightsaber blades came out ok and actually at this size Gold’s armor doesn’t look terrible either. I think Belle looks reasonably like Belle, not so sure about Gold, I never can seem to get him :/
Anyway learning! Well first of all composition is a major thing. I started off trying to do a lot of detail and from studying comic books, actually they keep the backgrounds very simple, and usually you can’t see them very much. Everything is often very zoomed in or very zoomed out. This would be more like a cover pose I guess as it’s full body.
I relearned that I really need to start with a good line drawing before trying to move on, I had to redraw parts several times as I tried adding colour much too early. I guess it’s the power of lines – the power of ink because for the comic book style, a lot is achieved with lines rather than with more complex shading.
I did a new thing with the shading. I painted in black with a soft brush for the most part, and then put the soft light filter on. That and the eraser is all I used pretty much, didn’t use the more complicated color-pick/blend brush technique which I think might turn out too soft sometimes. This has some definition to it, which is more appropriate to the style as well I think.
For next time I want to consider the composition better to begin with, and also the light sources, and take my time getting the basics right before diving in.
I’m tired so I’m going to watch the Librarians two Christmas episodes for the … well I don’t even know, I just really love the Librarians ok?
But first! You know about 2 weeks ago I outlined a plan? I had a list of things to do before January 13th? I thought perhaps if I put it in list form like that, make it nice and concrete, it would happen and so far it’s working!
The Garcy Celeb/Fan AU (now titled Start of Something) = done!
The Garcy post-season 2 fic (now titled Friends in Time) = done!
The art for this months AMR = mostly done? I’ve definitely broken the back of it so I’m sure it will be done but no it’s not quite finished.
That leaves:
– RBB art
– lingering novel draft
– Chapter 11 of Painting Layers of Love
I have 3 weeks, here’s hoping I can make them count 🙂
#accountability status update#I like putting things in black and white
*snorts*
My wordcount for fic this year prior to that Garcy fic I just posted = 10,008
My wordcount afterwards = 24,207
That’s the same and almost half as much again – in one fic. You know you haven’t written anywhere near enough when that can happen…
Oh and it turned out to be 14k and not 12, but still less than the 17k I guesstimated last week.
An early christmas present arrived in the mail this morning – my NaNo wristband. It reads “The sword with which I slay the beast called doubt” and I don’t think I’ll ever take it off.
Lately I’ve been going through my blog archives. I’ve done 2016 so far (May-December) which is when I was most prolific with my fic writing. The thing that struck me the most wasn’t how much I wrote (though I am jealous of past!me), it was how I stuck to my routine like glue.
– Every week I did a summary of fics posted
– Every month I did a summary AND a plan outlining what I wanted from the upcoming month
– Without fail for that entire time pretty much I posted every single week, on a Tuesday, it was my thing.
I know from reading my #Sam talks writing posts that I didn’t write every single day, but I wrote every week – I had a writing routine! I can’t really stress that enough because of how opposite things are with me right now, I’ll go weeks/months without writing fic and I hate it. I feel like I’m losing who I am.
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