I enter 2019 with:
– 1 shockingly neglected WIP (didn’t update once last year *guilt, guilt*)
– 6 fic ideas on the ‘to be written’ list
One of those ‘to be written ideas’ is for a rare-pair, from a cancelled TV show and … I don’t care. I was out of fandom for 10 years, I started writing fanfic again because of Rumbelle – Rumbelle is literally why I am here typing this! The other five ideas on that list (plus the WIP) are Rumbelle, I’m not going anywhere, but I did far more for other shows this past year than I did for Rumbelle and I’m ok with that.
My first resolution is..
.. to do what makes me happy.
Nobody likes feeling invisible but the response to my other show stuff has been, well muted at best, and I’m ok with that. I write and draw what it is in me to write and draw. I like making other people happy but the first person I have to please is myself. I need to do what I want, what I feel good about doing, and forget about ‘should’. I talk a lot about guilt because feeling guilty is a permanent state of being. In 2019
my second resolution is..
.. to cut myself a creative break.
I’m never going to stop feeling guilty about life but I can try and stop beating myself up over things I choose to do – things that should make me happy. For instance I find it difficult to choose what to work on because if I pick project A, then I feel guilty I’m not working on project B, even though logic does tell me I can’t work on more than one thing simultaneously (only have one brain and one set of hands hehe). Therefore in 2019 my resolution is to forget what I ‘should’ be working on and rediscover my joy in just working on what I please.
My third resolution is..
.. to institute a routine and stick to it.
I respond very well to a routine. The only reason why I go to class 95% of the time is because I’m supposed to, it’s on the schedule and so I do it whether I feel like it or not. For the past week I’ve set myself a task for the following day and miracle upon miracles – that task has got done. So in 2019 I’m going to do the 4thewords 444 word minimum everyday. I’m going to go with that rather than a potentially more punishing ‘update schedule’ because if words are happening, then things will be being written and that has to be enough.
I know myself and it’s all very well to set a bunch of deadlines now, during christmas break, but come January 14th I’ll be back at uni and instantly exhausted and stressed out from having to be around all the people. So as much as I would love to say I’ll update once a week, or even twice a month, and as much as I’m desperate to do other things like I would love to start a comic, I want to do it so bad, but it’s just not realistic. Which brings me to
my fourth and last resolution is..
.. to forgive myself.
I want to do so much and I get so frustrated because I continually fail. I need to accept that things will not get done as quickly as I’d like, and they won’t be as good as I want, that improving is a process and it takes time. I need to accept that good enough is good enough. When things don’t work out how I want I beat myself up and that is very counter-productive.
Basically in 2019 I need to be nicer to myself