Category Archives: Stream of Thought

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I’ve knackered, have a headache, hands are shaking, forgot to eat all day

BUT

my assignments are pretty much done!! 🙂

I need to proof both essays and make sure all my citations are correct and that I’ve not ballsed up the wording anywhere. I really, really hope that when I read them again they make sense. My short story + commentary is just ready to submit, so it’s kinda like one down, two to go at this point in play.

Tomorrow is another day though, seriously I’ve not moved all day, I really need to stop. So Endgame screaming is suspended until the weekend – I did say I was going to put it on a low simmer :p

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Big milestone dates or anniversaries or anything in that vein really make me introspective. That’s not really a good thing but /shrug I’m just going to share what I’ve been musing on this time.

Everything has it’s season.

Life ebbs and flows. There are phases, some last longer than others, and most come back around, but nothing lasts forever.

I’ve said for years that nothing is wasted on me. For example I don’t know – a game. If I get given a game, then I’ll play it obsessively for a time after I got it and then I’ll put it away. At some point down the road I’ll take it out again, play it obsessively for a bit, and then I’ll put it away.

The same applies to stuff I love. I’ve said before re: certain things like Agents of Shield, or the game Swtor, that I’ll take a break and not watch/play for ages and then I’ll come back to it for some reason and I’ll be slammed with how much I love it, and I’ll think “why don’t I watch/play this all the time?” but I think it’s because everything has it’s time in the sun.

Passions need fuel or the flame starts to die down. Sometimes a break is needed to rekindle the love, or sometimes it requires new material or perhaps a friend suddenly getting into it. When the passion starts to fade, that’s not a bad thing because if it’s meant to then it will come back, and something else will take its place for a bit. Like I said ebb and flow, everything has it’s season and then has to go rest for a bit. Maintaining intense obsession is impossible, it’s not sustainable, and that’s why there’s the swap-out mechanism – or at least this is what’s true for me.

I think I’ve made a post before where I hypothesised that taking breaks from stuff I love is a good thing, as it means when I come back to it there’s a fresh feeling and a massive resurgence of love. I need to remember this I think because sometimes I reckon I hold onto things that I should let go rest, their time will come back.

You know it’s probably a little how fashion keeps coming back, as old returns to style :p same with passions.

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Everytime I watch Thor: Ragnarok I’m reminded what short shrift the warriors three got – and Sif wasn’t mentioned at all!

I did actually start a fanfic about it, temporarily titled “there was something wrong with Odin” because it bothers me.

Anyway enough of that, I sound like a broken record – today’s thought! What if they didn’t kill Hela? I mean it’s like one of those two enter contests – who would win in a Hela vs Thanos match-up? I mean Hela decimated Asgard’s soldiers like they were paper toys, which also makes me wonder (and not for the first time) what makes the royal family gods of various things, and the regular asgard just regular asgard. How does that work exactly?

Also there’s leaked footage of Endgame apparently 🙁 so I think I might ‘go dark’ a little early and just stay off my dash for the next two weeks.

Oh and to complete the random marvel rambles :p I watched Guardians of the Galaxy yesterday and now can not stop playing ‘wham bam shang-a-lang’ it’s very easy on the ears heh.

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I was thinking this morning about the Captain Marvel makeup controversy I keep seeing on my dash.

There has always been a bit of a lack of female avengers but with Okoye likely opting to stay in Wakanda Natasha is probably the only woman at the compound. So Carol turns up in her rubber laser-tag outfit :p after 15 years away from Earth.

Natasha offers to hook her up with a change of clothes and after Carol has changed Natasha offers her makeup. Because to Natasha it’s like a form of armor. The Natasha that asks “who do you want me to be”, who knows the power of expectations, of offering people what they want to see, of being able to protect herself and hide her true self away.

Maybe Natasha tells Carol this but not in so many words. The world is in chaos, all those people gone, many more dead due to car accidents, planes falling out of the sky, caregivers vanishing etc. At the end of the first Avengers movie there was that guy who said “Where are the Avengers? This was their fight”. The world will blame them for losing, the compound might be the only safe place for them and being able to hide oneself in plain sight…

OR maybe Carol just accepts as it gives their hands something to do while she gets caught up on 15 years of Earth history. It makes the conversation less intense. When Carol looks in the mirror afterwards she wants to wipe the itchy gunk off her face but when she talks to her team, they compliment her, say she looks better which makes her roll her eyes. It’s not until afterwards she learns about NoMakeup Selfies and how makeup is the default for a lot of people now, so much so that no makeup seems pale etc.

After all Carol is hiding too. Why didn’t she come back to Earth for 15 years? Maybe it was because she realised she wasn’t aging and what that meant for her newly-remembered relationship with Monica. It made it easy to justify keeping her family safe by staying away. She would lose them no matter what, and if she returned she could never stay anyway. So putting on a face for the world, hiding her true self behind some armor, not so out of character after all.

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Yesterday I booked my tickets for Avengers: Endgame!! I’m going for my birthday on May 1st, so that’s a week after release so I will be going unplugged for a week. Literally I am thinking of turning off wi-fi on my phone, actually unplugging the ethernet cable on the PC. I never go anywhere without my noise cancelling headphones anyway so that’s the equivalent of fingers in ears going “lala I can’t hear you” :p

Usually I don’t mind spoilers but this is it – this is the end of the journey Iron Man started us on – this is 10 years of cinema history and about 20 movies all culminating – I want to be surprised! I want to watch everything fresh. It’s on me to avoid it, so I will be “going dark” as they say hehe 🙂

Oh man and also yesterday

DID YOU SEE THAT STAR WARS TRAILER????

#NoSpoilers because I’m not tagging this random post for spoilers as that would be like invasion of a spoiler tag (is that even a thing idk but I’m scared of being shouted at). Sorry I digress.

THAT TRAILER!!

I’m excited. I was very wary about The Last Jedi. I was scared to go and watch it to be honest because … ugh I really don’t want to tag this with anti-tags either as I’m just rambling. Anyway I went in expecting the worst but actually I was pleasantly surprised, The Last Jedi was nowhere near as bad as I thought it was going to be. Ultimately I thought it was ok. Not great but it didn’t wreck anything irretrievably.

Anyway this Episode 9 trailer *slow whistle* loads better than the Episode 8 trailer imo. I’m a lot more interested and a lot less nervous. Still a little wary because this is the pay-off and so they could end it badly but yeah, I’m hopeful.

Also, this isn’t a spoiler because 🙁 it’s been ages. Leia. I’m going to cry. I just am. I am not ready to see her one last time and then know it’s the end.

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I actually dreamt about Kate Beckett last night. I haven’t watched Castle in ages. Is this a sign?

Only problem is in circumstances like these I have no idea what episode to watch out of 8 seasons. Although it is tempting to watch my Haylexis ones again THEY DID NOT GET ENOUGH SCREENTIME!

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bookwormchocaholic  asked:

Journal, Backstory, Parchment, Critic. :~)

Ok got about a third of one of my essays first drafted so going to answer this 🙂 thanks for the ask! I love questions 🙂

journal: do you ever write just so you can enjoy something to read?
Erm … always? I don’t usually reread my own writing unless I’m revisiting the verse. Personally I feel egotistical reading my own work, I don’t know why, especially after some time has passed because sometimes I read it and I’m like – “I wrote this???” because it feels so foreign. Anyway, I’m rambling but I guess what I’m saying is I don’t tend to write anything I dislike. I write because I want to tell that story. I want that story to exist, it’s in my head and I need to make it corporeal. I need it to.. well like I said – exist! So yeah I write because I want to read that story.

backstory: how did you come to love writing?
I have stories in my head and I want to tell them. Writing is, for me at least, the easiest path to making those stories exist – to getting those stories out of my head and into the world. I mean it probably goes back to what I was encouraged in when I was little. My mum isn’t an artist, and she would have struggled to help me with that means of expression. Instead I read voraciously, I had a reading age of an adult by the time I was 8. So I had all those words in my head and that’s the means I used to tell my stories. It’s still the primary means I use because I’ve had over 20 years of practice now, it’s still what comes most naturally to me.

parchment: how often do you or your personal life influence your writing?
Probably far more than I think. It’s funny this is asked today because for my essay I’m doing an argument about perspective (post-structuralism, experience shaping people’s interpretation of stuff etc. ) when it comes to realism in fiction. It’s one of those topics that makes you think and my conclusion if you like, is it’s me that does the writing, therefore everything in the story springs from me and so even when I’m consciously trying to write something different from me, or my experiences, it is still based on my understanding of whatever this different environment/perspective etc. is. I’m shaped by my experiences and so my writing is shaped by me. I have no idea if that makes sense. Hopefully my essay is more coherent :p

critic: what’s the best piece of advice you’ve ever received about writing?
There’s the old standby “I can fix a bad page, I can’t fix a blank page.” (Nora Roberts) – I need to tattoo this on my brain to be honest. However while that is undoubtedly good advice I think the best piece of advice I’ve read is “Measure your worth by the dedication to your path, not by your successes or failures”(Elizabeth Gilbert). The reason why I like this quote so much is I beat myself up all the time. I feel like I’ve failed because I set goals and don’t meet them, I’m constantly frustrated because I want to do more and just can’t manage it. However, this quote is a balm because it’s basically like ‘so long as you keep trying and don’t give up then you are ok’ and that is advice I need. No matter how much I want it to be different I’m never going to be as fast, or as good, as I’d like, but the tortoise beats the hare – so long as I stay dedicated then I can have hope that I’ll get there. I need that hope in my life.

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Right thus far this month I’ve not done anything that I said I was going to do.

That feels really sucky and bad inside.

So I’m going to go make myself miserable for a week and churn out my stupid assignments. That won’t make me feel better, in fact I’ll probably feel worse as it’ll be then mid-month with zero progress on what I intended, but that’s my fault for getting in a weird headspace for the past 10 days.

Three assignments. 5700 words. Doesn’t sound like much when I put it like that. Feels a bit like an impossible mountain though, always does before I get started, like can I really get this done :/ obviously I do come out the other side, I have done before and I will do this time. It’s just staring down the barrel of the assignments is quite intimidating.

I’m actually going to close the tumblr tab lest I give into the urge to whine. Nobody wants that, not even me.

#shutting up now#why do I always get myself into states like this?#seriously self sort it out you do know better

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Google says it was mid-march so I think it’s no longer spoilers.

Culber lives!!

Seriously I have no idea how that has come to be but it means that I will be giving Star Trek: Discovery another chance.

I quit mid-episode which is unheard of for me but netflix remembered when and so I picked it up when I was eating dinner and oh boy am I confused. I’ve sort of kept up with the general thrust of the story and now I don’t know what the characters know in relation to what I do, and when certain revelations happen and yeah it’s confusing.

Still for my beloved Culmets ship, I will endure 🙂

They need a happy beginning ok TV people? I won’t settle for anything less!

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I had a thought the other day and I kept it to myself rather than rambling on here because to be honest I wasn’t sure what to make of it.

I want to be good at things, I do, I really do. I want to be a good writer and write a lot of stories (I have so many story ideas). I want to be a good artist and be able to illustrate the scenes I have in my head. I want to be good at other things too, like I want to learn so much and it’s all related to basically getting the images/stories out of my head and into reality. I’d love to learn how to 2D animate, or 3D model – the list goes on.

Anyway leaving aside pipe-dreams I have several clear interests: writing, drawing, Lego, Warcraft, TV/movies etc.

There is so many things that I love. I’m not just obsessed with one show – I’m all in with quite a few. I don’t know how to not love things. Sure there are some things that I’m ‘meh’ about, things that don’t stay with me, but for some people I know in life that is kinda how they feel about most things. They like it, or they don’t, they don’t have favourites, they don’t have obsessions. Honestly I have no idea what they do with their lives but I digress.

Time is finite and spoons are even more finite. Quite often I’ll have the time but I’ll just be so mentally exhausted that staring at the ceiling is all I can manage, I can’t even watch TV, and so the time trickles away without me making good use of it and like I said time is finite.

So my thought! Basically I want to be good at things but I’m not, and I might never be, because I’m too split. If I focused on just one thing then maybe I could get good but because I have too many interests, I’m never going to get where I want.

And like I said, I don’t know what to do with that 🙁