I really can’t draw but I also feel like I should metaphorically speaking “put my money where my mouth is” re: Sabine’s outfit. If I think something else would have been better I should try and show that.
I do have ideas 🙃
If only I wasn’t so damn tired /sigh
There’s AI discourse going around again, and I know I am contributing to it venting here but just ugh.
Like I love what I have seen because every post has been slamming AI and saying it’s theft and yes 100% agree. I like that I am not alone in hating the idea. It’s ironic now but I always had such comfort that a “creative job” would always exist because there would a) always be a need for it (whether I am good enough or marketable is a whole other thing, but humans need art), and b) it wasn’t something that could be done by a machine…. boy do I feel silly now.
But that’s kinda my point a bit. I hate remembering that AI exists that can do art. Yes I know there are logical arguments for why it won’t necessarily replace human creatives but I am cynical I guess. I already have a daily battle that I don’t feel like I will ever be good enough. Now I have to battle an additional mental demon of “what’s the point?” as maybe AI can’t do everything yet but the more the machine feeds, the better it gets, and exponentially so ‘one day’ is soon-ish. No telling how soon but it feels soon.
I am a more practiced writer than I am an artist but I don’t delude myself that I’m that great at either. Chronic fatigue is a real problem for me. Not sure how physical it is, it could just be mental from the depression/anxiety, but it gets in my way regardless. I need to put in a lot of work to improve, and I am so tired. It all feels pointless and a computer is already better than me. And yes I am feeling sorry for myself.
A big part of why I attempt to write and draw is because I have stories/images in my head and I want them to be real. Like most creatives probably, reality never matches my mind and that’s disappointing. Creating is a hard gig and that’s before the AI bullshit. But I keep trying because I want to produce my ideas. So I totally get that will always be there for me. That I can keep trying to make stuff no matter what AI is doing. But I also want to share, to be seen. I also – sometimes- try to dream about a future for myself. In this world where everything is about profit margins, and nobody pays for anything if they don’t have to, if AI can make something ‘serviceable’ in an instant, who would pay a human to make something? Presuming of course I can ever get my work to a level where anyone would ever pay anyway. I realise I can share for free but I also like to pay bills.
So yeah today I am sharing the misery I guess. Because everytime I see talk about AI (even good talk slamming it), it reminds me that it exists and I go in a despairing, demoralised spiral.
I suppose at its core. I so desperately want to be good enough. For reality to come close to matching the imagination. But I am held back by my mental demons and by being so tired. I need to have more stamina. But all I see is this huge mountain of work in front of me. All the practice I need to do to even hope of getting good enough. And it really does feel like time is running out. Who will even care anymore?
Not me contemplating what kind of droid friend Jacen Syndulla grew up with 🤔
I have been very slow watching all of Trek. Partly because I am trying to watch like 6 shows all at once. Mostly because I have to have spoons to watch stuff I care about and they are limited so I am just slow.
Anyway! I’m still making my way through Voyager (season 5 now) and it’s been probably 2 years at least, more like 3 probably, maybe even more, since I watched season 2.
Can someone please explain to me why out of all the 100 episodes I have seen (and it is actually exactly 100) it is the Amelia Earhart episode that my mind dwells on? And returns to randomly to think about?
Like don’t get me wrong the episode with that suit was a whole thing, and the year of hell, yup. But my brain always returns to the 37’s. Why?
@Carys
Because Janeway totally hooked up with Amelia Earhart
Well yeah…. I think the bitterness/injustice of how Amelia Earhart should have joined the crew. Because she loved to fly and explore. Why would she give that up to become a homesteader on an alien world?
She could have been an alternate pilot rather than Tom all the time. Dude has to sleep and it would have been a really cool perspective a) to have someone from earth history, b) essentially someone like us, a viewer new to space travel/science stuff. Sure we have previous Treks/genre conventions etc. but an innocence/enthusiasm could have combated the jaded/ehhh seen it before.
Like so much potential, so good, and yeah could have been a girlfriend for Janeway 😉 now knowing Janeway she probably would have been like “StarFleet or not, she is still crew and fraternising isn’t allowed” but Amelia pushed boundaries her whole life why would this be any different? Idk it just would have been good.
So yeah this is probably why my brain won’t let it rest 🙃
I feel so sad whenever I see people talk about being late to make fanart..
This isnt school + fanart doesn’t have a due date + fandom doesn’t expire + your art will have its place in the world + i love you
(via silversaurian)
#I know this feeling though it’s like the moment has passed#I think maybe it’s an audience thing#like I can make whatever I want whenever for me but if I miss the swell of a moment then people might not care as much#making art can be so lonely like I pour my heart and soul and my limited skills to do the absolute best I can and it takes hours and hours#and then quite often it’s just *crickets* or a few likes and if I am super lucky one comment#I think artists just want to be SEEN because screaming into the void is discouraging after a while#I really love the reassurance in this post though and I will repeat it to myself when I falter
So for StarTrekFemSlash week I am contemplating:
Seven and Raffi – obviously – I mean in my heart they are kinda “the main event” hehehe.
Keyla Detmer and Joann Owosekun (Jola) – because they are so obviously canon despite not being canon and deserve all the love.
Seven and B’elanna – because I hadn’t really thought about it until I saw some people talking about it and then yeah, I liked the idea.
Kira Nerys and Jadzia Dax – just because I don’t know it’s fun and certainly better than most of their canon boyfriends that I have seen (not quite reached season 4 yet as apparently Worf joins in season 4 and I am trying to watch all of TNG first).
Not sure what I will manage (especially with my current health) but I like turning the possibilities over in my brain.
To be honest sometimes I think I like contemplating projects more than putting in the work to make them real 🤣 after all there is endless potential in the unrealised – it could be great! – rather than the sad reality of my skills or lack thereof 🙃
Anyway I watched a really amazing YouTube video recently which broke down art into various skills in a very clear and understandable way. I have always tried to make the best final product I can which means a lot of ‘cheating’ in terms of some basic foundational skills. I trace rather than properly understand form etc. So I am thinking thinky thoughts about how to move forward in my art journey and whether I can bear to produce something that looks worse, but is done without the crutches and will therefore hopefully develop my skill longterm.
I suppose as my absolute dream is to be able to pick up a pencil and just draw something. I really should work on those foundational skills or I will never be able to do that.
Considering looking back at the utter garbage drawings I posted a few years ago (I did one that took me like 30 hours but was appalling for a gift exchange!!) I am so embarrassed. But maybe as I did that perhaps I should not worry so much about moving into a more ‘natural’ drawing area and it not being so good with proportions etc. while I practice to improve. I don’t know.
Librarians prompt month list is also up and I think 18/30 prompts speak to me on some level. So that will be interesting. Again not sure what I will manage to do and the deadline for that is July posting, whereas I think the Trek is September? So I need to organise myself accordingly.
Now if I could just stop feeling so damn tired that would be helpful!
I’m all up in my feels about The Librarians today. I had a relatively major but quite common abdominal surgery three weeks ago. Wednesday night I woke up bleeding profusely and had to go back into hospital (where I still am but hoping to be discharged) and have a semi-emergency surgery to fix it.
Obviously there was no time to prepare for this trip. It was an out of the house to the Emergency Room at 4am job. I get easily over stimulated (autistic) and at one point I was put on a ward and it was all too much and I was sobbing. I promised myself when I got home I would watch the Librarians as that always makes me happy.
The hospital wi-fi then proved capable of accessing a stream so I watched an episode in small chunks. Even though I like it any input can be too much input and so I had to take breaks. But it brought me so much comfort. It made me smile for a second and just that is what TV should do. I mean I totally get TV should do other things too because of course it should. I’m not lessening the importance of other emotions. What I mean is there should always be some options out there of TV that is just a comfort.
It stands in stark contrast to the recent example of Picard which used to make me happy (not Librarians level because Trek encompasses many emotions but happy), and last season it was actively making me miserable instead. I mourn that to be honest.
Anyway with the mooted Librarians revival I am so hopeful (and also quite a lot scared) as I desperately hope that the new show conjures the same emotions of comfort as the original. As from my recent experience I just do feel that the world could do with a little more happy-making comfort stuff. It could do with more Librarians.
Fly high or will I fall? Legends made when faith is strong Say my name, No time to plead Say my name, I’m conquering While I’m alive, I’ll push through the pain, I’ll run for the prize
Wings are made to fly, made to fly (made to fly) Fears are born to die, born to die (born to die) Pushin’ through the pain, through the pain (through the pain) Pushin’ through, breakin’ through Whatever it takes, what I gotta do Givin’ my all, givin’ all that I’ve got Never will stop ’til I get to the top
Never gonna keep me down (never keep me) Still the one that’s standin’ now (never falling) Destiny is callin’ me Go down in history Every day I’ll fight to be
Legendary
If I made FanVids (haven’t done that since… it’s been a decade or two) I would totally use this song and just make a video of the ships in Trek. When they are damaged, when they keep on flying against all the odds. When their crew has faith and the ship holds.
Maybe I’ll make a gifset when I have the spoons.
But yes Legendary.
Me: Actually legit crying watching Rebels.
Ok then I guess I better watch another one until I feel better.
Leia appears on screen with all her sass and charm.
That will do it.
Thank merlin whomever wrote these episodes knew something lighter was necessary after Legacy.
When fleet ships get destroyed (and I know everyone onboard is dead) that always puts a lump in my throat. But hearing about how Ezra’s parents were so proud of him and then how they died like full on breath hitching, tears falling, one step from sobbing crying. I just had some big feelings ok. Too much in one episode.
“You need to steal my ships.” – perfect.
This is probably very old news but I only recently read an announcement about Sony wanting to make a portable PlayStation type thing to rival the Switch. Details were light but what I understood said that it would stream games FROM the PlayStation.
Erm, what?
I think the Steam handheld thing works the same way. The pictures I have seen are configured like the Switch with the screen and the controllers either side for the hands to hold. But just a glorified monitor and controller is NOT the same as the Switch.
Now either I am misunderstanding in which case these companies need better marketing OR they completely misunderstand what makes the Switch so great.
I had to go into hospital a couple of weeks ago. There was Wi-Fi but I could not get it to work. I was just stuck in this endless loop of putting in the details and then getting asked to do it again. Obviously there isn’t any Wi-Fi in cars etc. The Switch is awesome because it doesn’t need the internet. It runs on its own. I put the game in/have it onboard or on an SD card and I am off to the races. It was a great distraction in the endless hours sitting in waiting rooms until I got taken to surgery.
We had a power cut last night. No internet. No TV. No PlayStation. But the Switch had full battery. I could have played that for hours if I had wanted. Internet isn’t always available and definitely isn’t always strong/fast enough. I had a SteamLink back in the day and that was too slow within the same house. I just can’t see how “stream your game over the internet” is actually viable to begin with. But even if I suspend disbelief and say ok, it still misses the brilliance of the portability of the Switch that isn’t dependant on that.