So I wasn’t going to do this today buuuuut I can’t stop thinking about @jackabelle73 post which was so honest and it made me think that I missed something. See my original intent behind WIP Wednesday was to foster excitement, to talk about our ideas and build them up and remember why we loved them so much. The old ‘fake it until you make it’ kinda thing.
I confess I was having a very bad day when I came up with the idea and I was just flailing around because I wanted to feel good about writing again. I wanted to rediscover my passion, to remember why I love my ideas and to actually get some progress going. I envisaged a community, where we could bounce off one another, foster a spirit of positivity. But the thing about communities is that they take the rough with the smooth. I said to Jackie that we are all in her corner, that part of what makes the fanfic community so great is that there are less barriers, we can admit when we’re hurt and know we are among friends.
Anyway, that brings me to what I’m going to talk about today. Jackie bared her soul and I think I’m going to as well. I have two competing demons – fear and obligation. I’m terrified of working on projects I care about because I feel that they will never be good enough, that I’m wasting my time, who am I kidding with this shit, that I’m an utter loser etc. Etc. Continue ad-nausem BUT I also can’t work on anything else because it’s like somebody bashing cymbals together in my brain the whole time screaming “you should be working on the other thing!!”
To put that in context:
– Painting Layers of Love scares the shit out of me because it’s become too important and I’m terrified of messing it up. So it’s hard to sit down and work on it and even if I do, I’m paralysed because everything I type I delete as it’s all so awful and bad.
– If I try and work on any other fanfic project I’m instantly paralysed and usually wind up pacing my room in agitation because I feel like I’m doing the wrong thing. I should be working on PLL.
The easy love for projects is just completely strangled. I feel like I can’t invest myself in any fanfic project because I feel far too guilty. If I look at what I have posted since PLL it’s mostly been little oneshots that I dashed off in one sitting. The Timeless fic was the exception and that was a prompt fill, and so the whole ‘waiting for the prompt’ thing obviously managed to convince my brain it could jump the queue.
My Creative Resolutions for 2019 (which I never posted on here out of embarrassment) basically boiled down to “be nicer to yourself” and in writing this post I’m confirming that it’s February and I haven’t learned a thing. You see I don’t know how to get past my utter terror of never being good enough, I don’t know how to let go of my guilt long enough to pursue something else.
I said last week that In Your Arms 3 was planned and intended for this months AMR. Still haven’t written a word and I’m beginning to think I won’t. That’s another verse I’m scared of screwing up.
So yeah this is a shitty WIP Wednesday really because all it does is explain why there has been zero progress on any of my WIP’s for 2 years. Not positive at all and I’m sorry for that, I’m sorry for all of it.
#I used to follow the maxim I can fix a bad page I can’t fix a blank page but somewhere along the road I lost my way#in which I explain why I’ve forgotten how to word