So I’ve been slacking on doing these on account of there being nothing to report – I haven’t written a word – and it’s the end of Week One tomorrow so it’s really not looking good.

I’d got all my prep ducks in a row, I’d cleared my schedule. I was anticipating having most of Thursday, all day Friday and Saturday, and most of Sunday to get those words down and hopefully build a buffer. At the very least I was anticipating having a psychological success, to get going, which would then give me momentum to carry through the rest of the month.

Yeeeeaaaah No that did not happen.

I spent those days sick in bed or sick and unmoving on the couch. Those days are gone, and so is my psychological boost.

Now back in the day this wouldn’t have been much of an issue. I have never been a particularly consistent writer. Almost every successful NaNo my chart is full of spikes as I’ll slack and then have a manic catch-up day, rinse and repeat. In present circumstances? Well I’m out of practice, if I’ve written 10k this year I’ll be surprised. I have uni which shouldn’t be a problem but is due to my executive dysfunction which has got worse year-on-year. It takes me 5x as long to do everything. I waste an inordinate amount of time and the more I hate that, the more I waste (in other words I suck) so yeah I was really counting on the positive momentum from a good start.

I don’t want to give up, I hate giving up, and the fact is I can’t give up completely because I’m an ML – I have to run write-ins and so words will happen. It’s just I’m despairing at meeting any of my goals and that makes it really hard to dredge up the enthusiasm for it. I love NaNo and I love writing but this is the second year I’ve screwed up (after 5 consecutive wins) and I’m tired.

I think I wanted it too much and now I don’t know how to deal with my own disappointment 🙁