Ok so the shitshow that was Picard Season Three accomplished at least one thing – it completely reawakened my utter love for Seven and Raffi. I mean that had never gone away but last year with the whole moving house thing, I had kinda gone “off the boil” so to speak with my obsessions.

I started with the oneshots. I posted Seven’s. I have a ton of notes for Raffi’s and I will most likely still write and post that.

But it was a slippery slope and I joked about that. It made me remember the fanfic ideas I had walked away from (some part-written on my HD) when I decided to quit fanfic last year. I started musing over whether it would really hurt anything to write a little more fanfic. I love it right? I have such feelings for Saffi and Bering and Wells and my Sanctuary OT3 etc.

So I was circling the idea and it felt pretty inevitable I was going to give in. I wanted to. I could feel the rush of the love I have for these characters.

And then Picard Season Three and more critically the utter feeling of dread I have when I think about a potential Star Trek: Legacy continuing in that same vein.

I’m NOT going to come back to fanfic. I love the characters so much but I am done investing myself in other peoples creations. I am done riding that train of aggravation and disappointment. Yes fanfic is very much “I can fix it” and I am still going to feel emotional when I watch stuff because fanfic or not I will care deeply about what I love. But at this point it feels like trying to fill some kind of endless void. No matter how much fix-it fic I write I can’t erase what made me sad in the first place.

I want to write a better story. I want to invest my creative love in something I can control – my own creation. And by better I mean it might not be (I have very little faith in my own skills) but it will be more aligned with my tastes, put it that way. Better is subjective but it will be better for me and that’s enough.

I feel a sense of peace from this realisation. So I think it might be permanent this time. But life likes to be a surprise so never say never.