An early christmas present arrived in the mail this morning – my NaNo wristband. It reads “The sword with which I slay the beast called doubt” and I don’t think I’ll ever take it off.
Lately I’ve been going through my blog archives. I’ve done 2016 so far (May-December) which is when I was most prolific with my fic writing. The thing that struck me the most wasn’t how much I wrote (though I am jealous of past!me), it was how I stuck to my routine like glue.
– Every week I did a summary of fics posted
– Every month I did a summary AND a plan outlining what I wanted from the upcoming month
– Without fail for that entire time pretty much I posted every single week, on a Tuesday, it was my thing.
I know from reading my #Sam talks writing posts that I didn’t write every single day, but I wrote every week – I had a writing routine! I can’t really stress that enough because of how opposite things are with me right now, I’ll go weeks/months without writing fic and I hate it. I feel like I’m losing who I am.
That beast called doubt – or more accurately lack of confidence – is the real issue. Sometimes I say that I have trouble getting started, or it’s like pulling teeth, but that’s because deep down I’m thinking “what’s the point? why bother? who are you kidding? you know this sucks, you are a talentless hack” etc. etc. Starting early 2017 I began to lose the battle against “the beast called doubt”, until I lost completely and just stopped writing.
Yesterday I was actually writing, and it was fix-it fic, and so I was all fired up and the beast of doubt was quiet at first. Then as the day went on, it got louder and louder until I stopped. I said I was tired but it’s because I couldn’t go on, I felt like what I was writing sucked. Today I didn’t open the document until an hour ago and I’m still staring at the blank screen. I can’t make myself write because everything just feels awful.
So I looked at the wristband and I’m trying to use it as a talisman – the sword that slays the beast of doubt. I have the pen (or rather the keyboard) but *snorts* I’m writing this post instead aren’t I? Even if it fails as a talisman it still speaks to me because I feel that doubt in my soul and it’s destroying me.
What am I going to do about it?
I do try not to write posts that are just negative and I’ve been thinking about doing an end of the year retrospective/fic resolutions post anyway. I think maybe I’ll do a separate one and just talk writing process here, starting with that precious routine which I need so badly.
Back … months ago, I decided to do “fanfic fridays” and I failed epically because I think I did it once. I’m loathe to make promises I can’t keep but perhaps I should make it anyway. Maybe by thinking “oh I won’t do it” I’m giving myself permission to fail? I’m not saying be unforgiving, I’m just saying self-made deadlines don’t work if I just let them slide all the time without comment. I think I’ve got far too used to just letting everything slide, far too used to failure that I just accept it as normal now, and don’t expect better.
I have a 4thewords subscription until March. That asks for 444 words each day to maintain a writing streak. That’s 20-30 minutes work if I actually concentrate, so it’s totally doable so long as I actually make myself, and don’t just go “I’m tired” all the time. Being tired is a permanent state of being, I really think in 2019 I should stop letting it be an excuse, or just stop making excuses altogether. I’m already doing it by thinking that I’ve never been a consistent writer, I’ve always written in large chunks and been lazy the rest of the time. That doesn’t work for me anymore because I never have the spoons to do the large chunks, chipping away is the only possible solution.
So TLDR
– Reinstate fanfic fridays and actually bloody mean it this time
– Do the 4thewords writing streak. It’s not enough words but any words at all on a regular basis is 100x better than what I managed this year, so I’ll take it.
and about that beast called doubt?
I’ve never been someone that believes in a muse, I’ve always spoken instead about discipline. That I need the dedication and the oomph to keep going. However that quote (I’m going to paraphrase here) of “I don’t wait around for inspiration, I sit down at 9am every morning and it shows up” does still apply. I need to stop waiting to feel better inside, because that’s probably never going to happen. If I want a better life I need to make the effort to change it, and do better myself. I don’t know how to summon the dedication I lost (I’m still staring at this blank document) but I’m going to try.
Often I set goals which seem reasonable to me, but are still too far out of reach and I disappoint myself. I really hope I’m not doing that again because I’m already disappointed. I’m trying to be reasonable and it feels like it’s not enough. I always want more and I’m impatient, I want to do all the things, and I want them to be already done. I don’t know how to get over that either but I’m going to try because in creative terms I feel like I’m at rock bottom.
I don’t know how to do better, not really, but I want to do better. I want to try and there’s this quote pinned to my wall.
“Measure your worth by the dedication to your path, not by your successes or failures.”
– Elizabeth Gilbert, Big Magic
So long as I keep trying, maybe just the trying itself is enough. I’ll try and convince myself of that 🙂