Excuse me while I ramble for a second.

I’m having a “your fandom is not my fandom” moment. And that is ok.

I first started posting fanfic over 20 years ago. I’ve done the fandom thing on a variety of platforms, and in different ways, and there are still many parts of fandom I’ve not done. For instance I’ve never been to a convention, or met up with other fans in real life.

When somebody says they are part of fandom I think that can mean different things, and it can also mean different things over time. To varying extents I have always thought fandom = community. Like I can do fan activities but if I’m not engaging with the community somehow, then that’s just me being a fan and not fandom. But YMMV and it’s all good. Circle back to what I started with. Everyone is different and that is ok.

I think what I’m rambling towards is that people want different things from their fandom. Like I’m a creator, a storyteller. So for me fandom is all about art, or about deep analysis and thought-provoking debate. For others I think perhaps the shared interest is what brings them together, and then it’s just more about chatting and other social things. There gets to be in-jokes and other community type activities. I’m not talking about fandom events, it’s something community-based. I think I’m struggling to define it because I don’t understand it. In fact it’s something of that nature which inspired me to ramble like this.

I’m always torn. When I join a fandom I want to feel like I’m part of it and yet I forever feel like an outsider. I’m awkward and I struggle with anything social, which is why I like fandom because of the shared interest – the creating, and analysis – but then I feel like my interest in that remains strong but the rest of the community sort of drift off that into the social part. I don’t engage well socially so I only have myself to blame for feeling like if I vanished nobody would notice. I get grumpy when I see these big community in-jokes as they seem ridiculous and I wish we could focus back on the thing that brought us together in the first place – the thing that we’re fans of – but then that’s quite unfair of me.

As I said above “your fandom is not my fandom” and I would be a total jerk if I complained. Sure I can feel disgruntled quietly to myself (and I’m rambling here) and I don’t know I think I’m losing my point. I’m just saying that fandom means different things to different people and I still haven’t found my place. I quite often say I can wear anyone out with my enthusiasm, and I think perhaps that’s true. I’m laser focused on the source material, and then creating from it. I want people to talk with about it, but they need breaks, and I don’t know how to cope without a focus for the interaction.

So yeah, it’s quite a lonely place to be 🙁