This month for writing I’m trying to finish the original novel I started in April.

I have multiplying plot bunnies for fanfic though and plans to write more once I’m finished with the novel draft. I’ll be posting halfway into September anyway with the banked fanfic.

But anyway thinking about this made me think.

I’m my own target audience for my fanfic. I confess I reread my Sanctuary fics sometimes and I enjoy them. Egotistical to say that? Probably. I mean the writing is most likely crap but I’m responding emotionally to my OT3. I just love them so much.

Sometimes though I confess it gets me a bit down how little response my fics get. I know it’s a tiny fandom and a rare OT3 so I’m fishing in the littlest pond around. Any kind of response is proportionally probably quite a lot but still. It feels like screaming into the void. Like hello I put in a lot of effort here, am I invisible? Can anyone see me?

It’s disheartening sometimes. But I do it anyway and don’t regret it because I enjoy it. I plan to do more despite my current sadface 🙁 at having zero hits (according to AO3) on the fic I posted yesterday morning.

I don’t know why I’m posting this really. Because I have a sadface I guess. Because I can hold two contradictory views at the same time. That I write the fanfic because I love it, and also I am sad at the crickets. I don’t write for the kudos/comments/hits, as I said I do it because I love it – I’m my own target audience – but occasionally I get sad about it anyway.

Yes I know I’m repeating myself. I’m on a mental health downswing and just feeling very defeated. Logic tells me the lack of response is due to tiny fandom and rare OT3. My brain right now is yelling it’s because I’m shit, my stories are shit, my writing is shit and therefore my original novel will never be anything but shit. I dream of publishing one day. I did before for a short time and had a lot of crickets there too. Which makes sense, a career takes time to build, but logic is not helping me with the blackness today 🙁